Despite overwhelming evidence, a small group of people still believe 911 was mastermind by Osama Bin Laden.

One of the conspiracy theorists, a man who wished to remain anonymous, said, “I know this isn’t gonna sound mainstream, but 911 was committed by Arab terrorists to scare America. Probably because they want us to wear towels on our heads.” Upon hearing that 911 was actually an inside job designed to bolster American support so that the U.S. could occupy the Middle East to secure dwindling reserves of oil to ensure the economic stability of our nation, the man replied, “So what? That’s probably nothing compared to how much Michael Moore made off his stupid documentary.”

Other conspiracy theorists have come forward with their ideas of what they think happened. Bob Baxter of Kansas had this to say, “Look, I’m pretty in touch with what’s going on. I have a facebook account. Now, I’ve been doing some independent research, and I haven’t told any of my friends because it would blow their mind, but steel melts at 1,500 degrees Celsius. Well, guess what? Jet fuel burns at 1,500 degrees Fahrenheit. Do the math. The World Trade Center came down because the fuel melted the steel columns.” When told that Fahrenheit and Celsius are not equal and that upon conversion, steel melts at 2,750 degrees Fahrenheit, rendering his theory useless, the man shouted, “Fuck you! I don’t have to listen to your horse shit facts. You don’t have a science degree. Unlike your liberal, hippie followers, I think for myself!”

While most conspiracy theorists were seemingly closed off to any amount of facts or logic, yelling phrases like “I’m a patriot!” in defense of their views, others, like Jack Woods of Kentucky, made an attempt to be open minded. “My son bought me a copy of Loose Change to watch. I put the documentary on and thought, ‘this’ll be a good chance to bond with my son.' But after five minutes of fact, after fact, after fact, I got confused and angry. I work forty hours a week, so I don’t have the time or the energy to connect one thing to another thing.

“Just tell me the bottom line, Andrew.” Jack said to his son. “Fine, Dad. It says it would have been impossible for the buildings to collapse at free-fall speeds because the steel columns provided resistance.” “Give it to me straight, son. What are they getting at?” “That the phone conversations heard from the airplane were faked. Voice morphing technology existed and in one recording a son identified himself by telling his mom his first and last name.” “I don't understand. What’s the message?" “That at least seven of the supposed hijackers turned up alive.” “I’m not following you, son. What are you trying to say?” “I’m trying to say that our government, the U.S. government was res—“I’m sorry, son. Let’s do this another time. I’m gonna go take a nap.”

“It made sense in the beginning,” non-conspiracy theorist Ron Abrams said. “I remember when I first saw that clip of Middle Easterners burning the American flag after the attacks, all I could think was, ‘DESTROY!” But then I learned that, that taping was from before 911 and totally unrelated. I didn’t really judge conspiracy theorists at the time, but then they tried to push going into Iraq when there was no real connection to Afghanistan. So then I was a bit less tolerant of conspiracy theorists views, especially considering Saddam was Bush’s dad’s arch rival and the only weapons of mass destruction found turned out to be like some napalm and a bottle rocket. But by the time it came out that NBC was owned by General Electric, a defense manufacturing company among other things, I came to two conclusions. Number one, war’s big business, and if you follow the money, you’ll find the culprit. And number two, conspiracy theorists are a bunch of fucking retards. Holy shit. These people make Gary Busey seem like Steven Hawking."

Head of the conspiracy theory movement, Fox News, roundly rejected Mr. Abrams assessment and released a statement on their blog saying, “We work tirelessly to give you an unbiased, comprehensive viewpoint. And we will not believe anything those mainstreamers say unless we see something that says 911 was an inside job on Fox News.


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