Despite being a known atheist, homosexual and sexual degenerate, God announced Monday that He will be allowing the former WHAM lead singer to enter the pearly gates. "Wake me up before you go, go is a classic," the all-knowing, all-powerful deity said to the saints. "But it's even better live."

God then handed this message down to the Pope. "The secret to getting into heaven is your belief in Jesus as your Lord and Savior. And while George did not make any overt references to the bible, and wore a cross ironically, he did make a catchy tune called Faith."

Rumors that George Michael will be released from the all-consuming pain that surrounds him every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year in hell, began when God mentioned to Moses how George could have pumped out at least another 1-2 albums had he not gotten off track getting caught masturbating at the movie theater. "I am all-seeing God and even I had to look away. But now he will be ready to crank out some pop hits combined with a steller choreographical interpretation. "Pain is really good to get the creative juices flowing you know."

In a shocking revelation, it turns out trusted and beloved actors across the board don't actually consume the products they pedal. Hair stylist Manny Angelo, who's been cutting Sofia Verdago's hair for four years said, "Bitch please, Sophia couldn't pick Head and Shoulders out of a lineup if it included three rapists, two pedophiles and one bottle of shampoo." Jennifer Aniston reportedly fired her latest assistant for giving her a bottle of Aveeno when she asked for moisturizer. Aniston was later overheard saying, "I would rather have Ralph [an overweight crew member] jizz on my face than rub that shit on my cheeks."

In a similar notion, Samuel L. Jackson reportedly cannot get approved for a Capitol One credit card, prompting him to star in one of their commercials. Financial Analyst Jim Mercer weighed in on the recent trend of selling out. "Celebrity status does not come without it's price. And while most can afford the Malibu beach house and champagne VIP section, it is not a sustainable lifestyle. That or they simply enjoy being corporate shills." Social Scientist, Adam Barstein added, "Look at Selma Hyack. She's worth millions, yet she married an old, saggy billionaire, thus confirming that for some, gold digging is engrained in their DNA."

Worse still are the many upcoming actors looking for their big break, but cannot even find opportunity in the commercial industry. Scott Rosenfeld, who's had roles such as Guy#3 in He's Just Not That Into You and a small recurring role in an Amazon pilot alongside Christina Ricci had this to say. "I'm in the room practicing my lines for a car commercial, and I look over and hear, "Alright, alright, alright. You here for the Lincoln audition too?" "Are you freaking kidding me," a dejected Scott said before wiping his ass with the script and then brushing it under Matthew McConaughey's nose before storming out.

Results were consistent regardless of genre.

Says Britney Spears to fan after lip synching her hit songs which she neither wrote, composed nor choreographed.