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Stripper gets tetanus after twirling on rusty pole

"How am I gonna make rent now when I can't dance and have lock jaw?"


Crack-head mom worried about her pot-head son





















Fair-weather Fans Gear up to become Fair-Weather Voters

Thirty days after an exciting battle between two largely forgotten teams, super bowl fans turn their fleeting attention toward the presidential election. “When football season ended, I didn’t know where to turn. Basketball’s too black and baseball doesn’t start for a few months. Then I saw Trump say he was gonna put up a wall and I was like, “Dang, I can get behind this, least for a few months.” A Carolina Panthers fan expressed a similarly prejudiced yet opposing view. “I was so bummed they [Panthers] lost after learning right before the game that their quarterback’s black, but then I found out Hillary’s running and now I can channel my support for minorities toward voting in a woman, unless a Hispanic steps in and runs.”

Political Science professor, Marvin Atworth, weighed in on their positions. “While lacking any discernable understanding of a candidates’ platform would monumentally increase the amount of times a voter flip flops, in this instance their bigotry ironically serves to anchor their view and make their vote quite predictable.

However, not every voter was steadfast in their ignorance. Luke Wormer, long-time face painter and first time voter, has gone back and forth with his choice several times in the last week. “When I saw this meme about Bernie Sanders, I knew I couldn’t vote for him, but then I saw a meme about Hillary, and now I’m torn. Do I vote for the socialist or the corporate-owned politician?” When told that his face paint was not in fact those of the Democratic party Luke replied, “Fuck! It took me 5 hours to put this shit on! (pause). Guess I’ll just vote Republican.”

One thing all voters have in common is that neither candidate serves their interests. This, however, has done nothing to stop people from catching voter fever and getting into screaming matches with family, deleting long-time friends off of facebook, and echoing sound bites carefully crafted by each respective candidate’s writing team.

While other options exist, such as voting libertarian or writing in Mickey Mouse, the majority of voters steer clear of the unknown. “Basically, for me, it boils down to the candidate’s character. That’s why I vote against the person with the most negative campaign commercials.”

Still others avoid the process entirely, citing an IT confession over vote tampering. However, a higher-up governmental official disagreed, saying, "This is what we do as Americans. We vote. As patriots, it's our job to give meaning to a meaningless process."

Though the impact of the election will have far-reaching, lifelong consequences, fair-weather voters will shortly thereafter focus on an even more pressing patriot issue, whether Tom Brady will earn another super-bowl ring.

"I support the transgender movement," says man who desperately has to shit

"And for the next 5 minutes I identify as a woman," he said before bypassing the occupied men's toilet and entering the women's.

Due to cutbacks, NASA now offering domestic flights

In a desperate bid to reclaim recent cuts to the space program, NASA, once-renowned space exploration agency, will now offer domestic flights from many major cities and Puerto Rico. "We saw the writing on the wall." NASA PR spokesman, Amy Babble continued, "and it said, no one gives a shit." So here we are.

Flights will be significantly faster than any other airliner in the world. "We can get you from LA to Atlanta in 8 minutes." However, there are drawbacks as hedge fund manager, Ernie Willis found out. "Yeah, 8 minutes, with a 4 day layover in Phoenix." As a result, NASA has rebranded their slogan to stand for Nonstop At Some Airports.

Another drawback is the price, starting at $10,000 a ticket non-refundable, or $10,030 if refundable. "But," PR spokesman, Babble, reminded customers, "You can check in up to three bags, no charge." If you can stomach the price and potential layover, another hurdle is the potential risk of the rocket blowing up in the first 100 meters. "But," Babble chimed in, "if they make it past that, it is almost statistically impossible that the rocket would break apart."

"We're trying to recapture the imagination of the American people and make some pocket change at the same time." Astronauts were not happy to learn they've been reassigned. "I spent 12 years of my life dedicating myself to physics, engineering and not throwing up at Mach 10, now those skills translate to handing out peanuts to rich assholes?!" "There will also be pretzels for people with nut allergies," Babble retorted.

Since there's no union to protect the astronauts, they have collectively agreed that if forced to work as "air waitresses" they will expose that the entire first moon landing was staged by Stanley Kubrick and that extra terrestrials and routinely edited out of satellite feeds.

As of press time, the entire flight crew has been replaced by a cat.



BREAKING: Stars don't actually use the products they advertise!

In a shocking revelation, it turns out trusted and beloved actors across the board don't actually consume the products they pedal. Hair stylist Manny Angelo, who's been cutting Sofia Verdago's hair for four years said, "Bitch please, Sophia couldn't pick Head and Shoulders out of a lineup if it included three rapists, two pedophiles and one bottle of shampoo." Jennifer Aniston reportedly fired her latest assistant for giving her a bottle of Aveeno when she asked for moisturizer. Aniston was later overheard saying, "I would rather have Ralph [an overweight crew member] jizz on my face than rub that shit on my cheeks."

In a similar notion, Samuel L. Jackson reportedly cannot get approved for a Capitol One credit card, prompting him to star in one of their commercials. Financial Analyst Jim Mercer weighed in on the recent trend of selling out. "Celebrity status does not come without it's price. And while most can afford the Malibu beach house and champagne VIP section, it is not a sustainable lifestyle. That or they simply enjoy being corporate shills." Social Scientist, Adam Barstein added, "Look at Selma Hyack. She's worth millions, yet she married an old, saggy billionaire, thus confirming that for some, gold digging is engrained in their DNA."

Worse still are the many upcoming actors looking for their big break, but cannot even find opportunity in the commercial industry. Scott Rosenfeld, who's had roles such as Guy#3 in He's Just Not That Into You and a small recurring role in an Amazon pilot alongside Christina Ricci had this to say. "I'm in the room practicing my lines for a car commercial, and I look over and hear, "Alright, alright, alright. You here for the Lincoln audition too?" "Are you freaking kidding me," a dejected Scott said before wiping his ass with the script and then brushing it under Matthew McConaughey's nose before storming out.

Hipster's ironic look ironically can't get him laid

Hipster Tate Dunbag had a terrible date last night, making this the 15th one in a row and prompting him to ask the eternal question, "It's not me right? It's totally them."

Sources close to Tate interviewed  his latest "victim" to find out what went wrong. "I liked his beard," Samantha Adams said. "So I brought up camping to which he replied, "Never been, never want to." "Ohhhkay," continued Tammy. "To break up the awkward moment, I asked him what book he read last since he was wearing thick, black-framed glasses." "Oh," replied Tate. "Books are so last century."

"It was confusing," said Samantha. "In the 45 minutes I was with him, he didn't divulge one personal thing about himself. "Well, yeah I did," responded Tate. "It's easy if you use process of elimination. All you have to do is subtract everything I mocked." Added Samantha, "The guy's like a padded bra, he looks like he had so much more underneath."

Psychologist Adam Levy weighed in on the situation. "Teen angst is a common term for a period whereby the child responds favorably to reverse psychology. Meaning, he doesn't do things he likes, he does things that go against what you like. This usually wains by high school. In 25 year-old Tate's situation, he's in a state known as arrested development- a funny TV show, but a sad, meaningless way of living."

Overall, Tate surfaced from the date confident it was not his fault. "She didn't get me, plain and simple. In fact, the only thing she did get was that since I ride an eco-friendly mode of transportation [a bicycle], that I live at home with my parents and I'm broke."




JESUS RETURNS but has terrible time getting the word out

Jesus, lord and savior, is reportedly being censored at every turn via the internet. "First I tried registering on Facebook, but someone had already taken my name. In fact, ten thousand." A facebook administrator responded, "We allow celebrities to register, but they need ID. And sending a low-resolution Vine of turning water into wine doesn't cut it."

Jesus continued, "Who's gonna follow Jesus_12344, a number which has no significance! So I begin sending messages to the people until I find out they're being sent to their 'other folder' which is a polite way of saying they have taken the word of the lord and rerouted it to spam. Oh, but I can pay to have the message delivered to their inbox. So I'm supposed to shell out money to invite people to a blissful after life?

So I get a reddit account. Within 12 minutes I was banned.

Then I make a video and post it to youtube and link it under another video, but get no replies. So I log out and check the video again. Guess why no responses? I'd been shadow banned. What!?"

Then I get on twitter. Talk about embarrassing. 2,000 years ago I had 12 followers. After five days using every hashtag imaginable, I was up to eight. EIGHT! Then I get an email saying I can get 100 thousand followers for $500. Are you freaking kidding me?!"

So I go to meetup.com to form a group. Guess what? I get an email saying my meet up was "not approved" with a list of their guidelines. So I reply asking specifically why, and I get a bounce back saying that my email was sent to an unrepliable address. That's when I decided, fuck it."

As of press time, Jesus was spotted in Santa Monica talking to homeless people in a park before being escorted off the premises by the police.