In a desperate bid to reclaim recent cuts to the space program, NASA, once-renowned space exploration agency, will now offer domestic flights from many major cities and Puerto Rico. "We saw the writing on the wall." NASA PR spokesman, Amy Babble continued, "and it said, no one gives a shit." So here we are.

Flights will be significantly faster than any other airliner in the world. "We can get you from LA to Atlanta in 8 minutes." However, there are drawbacks as hedge fund manager, Ernie Willis found out. "Yeah, 8 minutes, with a 4 day layover in Phoenix." As a result, NASA has rebranded their slogan to stand for Nonstop At Some Airports.

Another drawback is the price, starting at $10,000 a ticket non-refundable, or $10,030 if refundable. "But," PR spokesman, Babble, reminded customers, "You can check in up to three bags, no charge." If you can stomach the price and potential layover, another hurdle is the potential risk of the rocket blowing up in the first 100 meters. "But," Babble chimed in, "if they make it past that, it is almost statistically impossible that the rocket would break apart."

"We're trying to recapture the imagination of the American people and make some pocket change at the same time." Astronauts were not happy to learn they've been reassigned. "I spent 12 years of my life dedicating myself to physics, engineering and not throwing up at Mach 10, now those skills translate to handing out peanuts to rich assholes?!" "There will also be pretzels for people with nut allergies," Babble retorted.

Since there's no union to protect the astronauts, they have collectively agreed that if forced to work as "air waitresses" they will expose that the entire first moon landing was staged by Stanley Kubrick and that extra terrestrials and routinely edited out of satellite feeds.

As of press time, the entire flight crew has been replaced by a cat.


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