In a shocking revelation, it turns out trusted and beloved actors across the board don't actually consume the products they pedal. Hair stylist Manny Angelo, who's been cutting Sofia Verdago's hair for four years said, "Bitch please, Sophia couldn't pick Head and Shoulders out of a lineup if it included three rapists, two pedophiles and one bottle of shampoo." Jennifer Aniston reportedly fired her latest assistant for giving her a bottle of Aveeno when she asked for moisturizer. Aniston was later overheard saying, "I would rather have Ralph [an overweight crew member] jizz on my face than rub that shit on my cheeks."

In a similar notion, Samuel L. Jackson reportedly cannot get approved for a Capitol One credit card, prompting him to star in one of their commercials. Financial Analyst Jim Mercer weighed in on the recent trend of selling out. "Celebrity status does not come without it's price. And while most can afford the Malibu beach house and champagne VIP section, it is not a sustainable lifestyle. That or they simply enjoy being corporate shills." Social Scientist, Adam Barstein added, "Look at Selma Hyack. She's worth millions, yet she married an old, saggy billionaire, thus confirming that for some, gold digging is engrained in their DNA."

Worse still are the many upcoming actors looking for their big break, but cannot even find opportunity in the commercial industry. Scott Rosenfeld, who's had roles such as Guy#3 in He's Just Not That Into You and a small recurring role in an Amazon pilot alongside Christina Ricci had this to say. "I'm in the room practicing my lines for a car commercial, and I look over and hear, "Alright, alright, alright. You here for the Lincoln audition too?" "Are you freaking kidding me," a dejected Scott said before wiping his ass with the script and then brushing it under Matthew McConaughey's nose before storming out.


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