Courtney Love, best known for marrying Nirvana front-man Kurt Cobain, fell short of expectations and was dropped Monday as both an actor and writer for CSI:
“At first, I was really impressed.” the CSI producer said. “We knew she could act, but we had no idea she had so much knowledge about murder.”
The director’s decision to move her to the writing department came with a lot of resistance. I was leery, head writer, Bradley Bell, said. She comes off like this drugged-up airhead stumbling around aimlessly. But when one of the writers suggested a murder disguised as a suicide, she perked right up, “File a missing persons report, tell the police the victim is a danger to himself and owns a gun, pay some low life fifty grand to kill him, and be in another state when it happens.” Courtney blurted out before passing out on the desk.
“She’s really pushy,” Ann, one of the staff writers, said. “The [writing] team agreed that the victim should have a history of drug abuse so that the murderer could exploit this to incapacitate him in order to pull the trigger, but Courtney suggested heroine at a lethal dosage. “Who injects a shit-ton of heroine, and then while they’re experiencing the best high ever, shoots themself?” To which Courtney responded, “Maybe he shot himself in the head first, then injected the heroine, assfuckholes!” She then broke her fifth of Vodka over the side of the round table.
After stealing one of the writer’s mac book pro’s and locking herself in the bathroom, Love returned several hours later with the completed episode and a nose full of cocaine.
The murder scene was ridiculous,” added another staff writer. You have a 5’7, 130 lb. man inject three times the lethal dosage of heroine, then somehow roll down his sleeves, put the needle neatly back into a box, pick up a shot gun that’s so long he could only fire it at himself with his toe, and when police arrive, find him with his shoes on. I mean, really? I’ve heard of writing drunk, then editing sober. But this bitch is writing drunk and editing high.
Staff editor, Jonathan Glassner, confronted Courtney after reading a scene where a witness who claimed to have turned down an offer from the widow to kill the husband passed a polygraph test by one of the best polygraphers in the country with 99.7% accuracy. “When I asked her why she made it so obvious that the widow mastermind the murder, she said, “You still don’t know she did it because lie detectors can’t be used in court.” “I was like, Courtney, people will still know the widow’s the murderer! So she was like,” “Okay fine then, the widow will just have the witness killed by a train.” “That’s when it became apparent. I have to re-apply to law school and get the fuck out of show biz.”
Then came the suicide cover-up scene. Staff writer Sunil Nayar remarked, “Courtney, you had the hit man wipe the fingerprints off the pen and the gun." “Smart, right?” “No, because it’s kind of hard to write a suicide note or shoot yourself without leaving fingerprints.” “Don’t worry. They don’t find anyone else’s fingerprints either.” The biggest problem was the suicide note itself, which was a poem the victim wrote plus two additional lines tacked on to give it a 'suicide' feel. “Honestly, and I feel like I’m talking to a five year old here, but it's a dead giveaway when the handwriting doesn't match. Not to mention, the widow, who was facing a divorce, inherits tens of millions from this guy’s estate when he dies. How is this not the most obvious sign of a clear motive?” Courtney took a drag off her cigarette and replied, “You guys just don’t understand the power of bribes and blow jobs.”
While her brief stint didn’t last, CBS was quick to give Courtney her own crime scene investigation show where quote, “viewers can believe in the stupidity of the police department and their unwillingness to reopen cases even in the face of overwhelming evidence.” So coming next fall, CSI:
Seattle starring Courtney Love and O.J. Simpson.