Citing a hatred for rom-a-noodles and generic-brand cereal, show runner and executive producer, Will Graham, threw his worn-out sweatpants into the dumpster Friday after signing a mega-advertising deal with Ford Fiesta, Corona Light and Altoid mints.

“While we’ve spent the last 20-some-odd years mocking the corporate world and everything about it, we feel that there is nothing mainstream about these particular products,” Will said, while adjusting his Rolex watch. “There’s absolutely nothing about the Ford Fiesta we could mock,” Carol Kolb, co-executive producer/head writer, added while getting a massage. “Now there’s a hip, counterculture car.”

The Onion’s national digital advertising director, Matt McDonagh, echoed a similar notion. “We believe these products are in line with our viewers. The average reader wants to be perceived as someone who `drinks,` but not a `drinker,` someone who cares equally about fresh breath and a recognizable name, and finally, someone who reads the title of our articles and goes, “I get it,” and shares it on facebook without wasting valuable office time reading the whole thing or deciphering some deeper social undertone.

“It’s not like I don’t wanna write about what I think really happened with Bin Laden,” one of the political writers said, while smoking what he was contractually obligated to refer to as `a refreshing Camel Light.` “It’s just, our revenue stream depends on sheer volume of consumers clicking on advertisements, and our sponsors don’t want us alienating any would-be clients.” “But,” added the writer, “I mean, we can still use biting satire. It just has to be about a topic less polarizing, like the Canadian Prime Minister. Man, I got a good one about him and maple syrup.”

“Look, we’re not in Wisconsin anymore,” said Will, now donned in a full-body Altoid jumpsuit to a room full of writers. “Unfortunately, due to budgetary constraints, we’re going to have to let some of you go. Oh, and remember, next Friday is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans. And if you could try and remember to submit your articles with TPS cover sheets that would be great. Okay? Thanks!”