Activists around the nation are furious over a recent discovery that Bisphenol A (BPA), a hormone disruptor easily absorbed from paper into the skin, is being added to American currency. Janet Yellen, chair of the Federal Reserve, held a brief press conference, saying, “This is merely coincidence. We’re just trying to make cutbacks.” When asked why considering the Fed's capacity to just print more money to pay for more expensive printers, Yellen responded, “We don’t just print money out of the blue for technology, that’s Social Security.”

Suspicions that the contents of currency changed arose several months ago when a report in Psychology Today came out showing that men across the board were getting more in touch with their ‘feminine side.’ “Yeah,” Jonathan Medley, one of the test subjects reported. “This is just what I need. Matching man boobs for my swollen gut.” Head researcher, Amy Banner, agreed the findings were not all positive. “Men are becoming more aware of their emotions. However, they’re also growing moobs.”

A small constituency for the removal of a bill allowing BPA to be used in the manufacturing of plastic bottles and paper has so far held very little traction after the EPA withdrew support. An EPA spokesman went on record saying, “It’s unfortunate that daily exposure to these toxins is happening to people. However, it’s not happening to the environment.”

New World Order member, who wished to remain anonymous, welcomed BPA-coated paper, but could not take credit. “It’s not easy tracking people’s spending patterns since not everybody gets drunk and goes shopping online. But this (BPA) move is a win/win because it does more than push us toward a cashless society. You have to understand the chemical assault of the general population has taken a beating, especially towards men. People are pushing to take fluoride out of the water, no one’s outside long enough to sustain the effects of chem trails, grocery stores are carrying organic food. With the exception of GMO's, which by the way almost had to label their products, there’s almost no way to infect people anymore. Christ, if it weren’t for the CDC and their man-made diseases, I don’t know if we could even convince the population to accept all the evil crap we put into vaccines. But I digress. The point is there are now only two options, either use a form of payment we can track, or saddle up to chick flicks and being overly emotional for no apparent reason.”

Proponents of the effeminization movement, including the NFL, starbucks and other corporations cramming pink down the populations’ throat in the name of a cure being suppressed, applauded the move and has implemented thermal printers to lace their receipts with BPA to help speed up the process of turning guys into girls and girls into guys. Upon hearing this news, Ben Bernanke, formal head of the Federal Reserve, slated a vote at the next Free Mason meeting to merge all corporate gift cards into one overlying gift card that can be used after the inevitable crash of our currency to keep the population at work.