Coca Cola execs are scratching their heads today after a focus group showed cocaine users have lost the taste for their once beloved soft drink. Said Eddie Walls, part of the focus group, "Sugar is terrible for the body, not to mention super addictive. So I don't care how fun-loving their commercials are, I am not getting hooked on that white stuff." He then snorted a line and chased it with Heineken. 

"Your body is a temple," said Billy Baxter, another member of the focus group who's been up the last 48 hours on a cocaine binge. The last thing I'm going to do is fill that temple with high-fructose corn syrup. He then did a monster rail and passed out. 

While Coca Cola has taken steps to increase its addictiveness, including using food additives such as MSG in a form yet to be banned by the FDA, nothing seems to be improving sales with the demographic. "I don't get it," said marketing exec Milford Bradley. "We've taken all the calories out, lowered the price, even revamped the packaging. What more do these people want?" Replied coke-head Stevie Peppers, "Coke."