Results are paying off according to one of the idiots in the study. "We do everything big, said Texan double-chin, nacho-eating, smartphone-staring imbecile whose chin has increased over 200% in the last 5 years. 

One of the healthier subjects had a different take on the epidemic. "You have to weigh how you look with how you feel. That's why I'd rather get a brain tumor from the phone's radiation than turn into Jabba the Hutt."

Concluded one of the researchers, “Oddly enough, it appears mindlessly staring at the TV was healthier, not to mention more social than standing right next to someone and staring straight down.