In what safety activists are calling "the gateway drug," swing sets, or "satan's playground" as it's being termed, are set to be stricken from all elementary and middle schools in the upcoming month. "It's high time we took a stand against encouraging the sort of risky behavior that, once kids get a taste of, they will be searching for the rest of their life. You think hookers started off sucking off middle schoolers? No, they started on the monkey bars and graduated to the highs of the swings, culminating a decade later with unprotected anal sex behind a dumpster.

"This is horse shit!" said Tommy Duncan, 4th grade class president, a sentiment echoed by dozens of other students. "You expect me to jump rope with the girls? While you're at it, why don't you just cut off my dick?" Said 8 year old Billy Thomas. "If I'm going to spend a lifetime of 8-4pm Monday through Friday bullshit the rest of my life, the least you could do is give me my goddamn high." Said 6 year old Andrew Baker, who prefers to wind up the swing and then spin until throwing up.

As of press time, parents of the children have glossed over the swing-set debate and instead want diving boards back in public pools. "We simply can't afford to give these worker bees a taste of the wild side." Said Secretary of Labor, Thomas Perez. "Who in their right mind would choose to return to back-breaking pointless labor when they discover there's a whole new side to life?" continued Perez, while smoking a cuban and guzzling scotch. "Out of site, out of mind is how we operate here. It worked to build the pyramids and it'll work to build our infrastructure." When asked how long the government could keep up the charade, Perez responded, "Hopefully, until we can build enough robots."