Showing posts with label World. Show all posts
Showing posts with label World. Show all posts
Playing fetch triggers dog to ponder fruitlessness of life
Rufus, a 4 year-old Golden Retriever, was chasing a Penn 1 tennis ball when he was struck with an epiphany. "The construct to which I have acclimated to and even tied my self esteem into is nothing more than a repetitive task that has as much impact on humanity as a sandcastle at high tide," Rufus said while licking his butt.
“I wish I could back to a simpler time,” the 4 year-old said, “back eighteen months ago when I was a teenager. Back before my delusions of grandeur were shattered by the realization that no matter how much or how fast I performed my menial chore, I would never achieve the heights of recognition my efforts warranted." Rufus then spent the next five minutes angrily chasing his tail around in a circle.
Further confounding the his sense of accomplishment was that around others Mark, his owner, would take credit for his success. Added Rufus, “What a douche.” Continued the dog, "How many times must I achieve my goal only to have it ripped from my clutches?" This game, as it were, parallels life in both form and function." Rufus said before throwing up and then eating it.
The recent awareness is believed to be the result of Rufus getting taken off of anti-depressants. “It’s like the veil of control you perceived as having gets lifted to reveal that you’re nothing more than a dandelion spore in an upwind, drifting with neither direction nor purpose,” Rufus said while eating a piece of shit. “Stop it, stupid,” added Mark, before yanking him away from the feces.
America asks God to step down
Concerns over God's tenure arose due to the recent number of people who have been killed under His watch. Hilary Clinton said, "God has lost the confidence of his people and he should go without further bloodshed and violence. The
Clinton's statements come as the U.N. Security Council continued to debate a resolution and potential sanctions against God. Chine, which wields veto power, is reportedly still awaiting instructions from Beijing on how to vote, but whatever they decide America will likely follow, even if it means asking God to continue ruling."
We are moving quickly on a series of steps to hold our Lord and savior accountable for His violation of human rights and to mobilize a strong response from the inter nation community," Clinton said. Unfortunately, he does not have an email or physical address to send our letter to."
The group, Doctors without Borders, issued its first report on medical facilities around the world on Saturday. After surveying over three million medical centers, the group said the facilities have, "managed to deal with the numbers of wounded people and medical needs. However, the hospitals have shortages of medical equipment, including dressings for wounds, sutures and anesthesia drugs," the group said. "And this, too, is God's fault."
When asked who will lead when God steps down, America responded, "Gee, we never thought about that. I guess, I guess we will."
Despite criticism of NATO, Albanian President Bamir Topi left no uncertainty about God’s future. “He should leave,” said Topi, signaling to the infinite-year-old dictator that his days are numbered. "Life in Albania is awful, and I hold Him responsible."
God getting bored with humanity
You guys don’t do anything. You go to work, come home and sit on the couch watching everybody else live. That’s my fucking job! Seriously, with the advent of the internet every fucking time I try and be omnipresent it’s like I just walked into a live version of chat roulette, nothing but dudes whipping out their dick and jacking it.
The only time you idiots interact anymore is on Facebook. Seriously, if Denise posts one more status update about what she’s cooking for dinner tonight, I’m sending a thunder bolt down and electrocuting that boring cunt. I didn’t breathe life into you so you could grow up to tell the world, “mmm, tuna casserole with a side of mashed potatoes for me and my hubby!”
You have medications for all your “imperfections.” Great, now you’re boring fucking shells of your former self. I didn’t give you manic depression so you could take Lithium and discuss your feelings. I want you to cut your fucking ear off and mail it to your ex.
All your goddamn rules are taking all the fun out of life. Worse, it’s making it so fucking hard to kill anyone what with your blinking cross walk signs and Heimlich maneuver charts. Did it ever occur to you that I want someone to walk in front of a bus or choke on a pretzel? It’s called social-fucking Darwinism. He coined it, I invented it, and you guys are ruining it with your fucking helmet laws. The good die young? Not anymore. You know how hard it is to kill some boring-ass loser without taking out an exciting man? Tell you what, if you can crash a plane and keep the 12 people that actually entertain me alive, you can have eternal bliss.
Can you really not see how fucking lame you’ve become? Kids are experimenting less and less. Couples are waiting longer and longer to have a baby. Me-dammit, I don't even have a mouth and I'm yawning. Seriously, I’m only gonna say this once- get off your ass, travel, chase a dream, take a risk, be original and do it quick, because I’m seriously considering changing the fucking channel. Don’t believe me? Just ask the dinosaurs who stopped roaming the earth in lieu of eating, sleeping and shitting.
Christian leaders rethinking open-arms policy
When the Reverend brought his concern to the congregation, he was met with almost unanimous support. Debbie, a longtime churchgoer, shared her experience with the failed policy. “When I asked one of them [homeless person] if he was there to receive the divine power of the Lord, the guy responded he was there for the heat. Why can’t we be more like the Jews? I’m sure they don’t have heating bills like ours.”
Another member chimed in, “How can we have an open arms policy when I would rather hug an elephant turd? It’s time to cross our arms.”
Upon receiving the news of the new ‘crossed-arms policy,' the homeless community is divided on where to stay. “We could go to the shelter,” one homeless man said. Another responded, “no way, they make you work.”
As of press time, most castaways could be found at various coffee shops drinking iced water and talking to a broken cell phone to mask schizophrenia.
Rapture pushed back due to Jesus' haircut
"First off," Jesus, our Lord, said. “I wanted May 21st to be the rapture, I really did. But at the last minute I had a change of heart and finally decided to cut my hair. Problem was Arnie, my regular stylist, was already booked.”
Since putting May 21st in his Blackberry 6 months ago, Jesus has been on a mission to get in shape for his second coming,” “The guy’s an animal,” Moses said. “He spends 3 hours in the gym doing crunches, curls, squats, his lifting technique, by the way, is flawless.”
“Look,” Jesus said while flexing in the mirror, “the world hasn’t seen me in like 2000 years. The last thing I want to hear about is how much I’ve aged. People want to be saved by a God, not a guy with bags under his eyes. Incidentally, the eye cream in heaven is amazing.”
Between his workout regimen, monthly microdermabrasions combined with botox injections and Proactiv, Jesus has really brought his look into the 21st century. “I wasn’t going to go with Birkenstock sandals. They’re way too '80’s. But I was going to hold onto my classic beard and long hair. That is, until I had herbal tea with Ghandi.” “Jesus,” he said to me. “It’s 2011. Times have changed. You can’t be accepted as the savior of mankind if you look like a dirty hippie.”
He was right. Nobody was going to respect a guy who looks like he just stumbled out of a Phish concert. So the first thing I did was shave the beard. Man, that felt good! Razors, by the way, are so much better now. Back in 20 AD, you took your life in your hands every time you shaved your neck. Anyway, when the metamorphosis was complete, I looked in the mirror, and I was shocked. I looked like Scott Stapp from Creed. I knew I had to grow it back because no one’s gonna let a douche into their heart.
So, there I am. It’s May 20th. I’m buff, I’m tan, I’m in command, you know. Then Ghandi’s words hit me, “dirty hippie.” The hair’s been the last obstacle towards a total modern-day Jesus makeover, and I knew it had to go. But I gotta tell you, it was so hard to let go of my long hair. To me, it represented my youth. But my hairline’s not what it used to be, and I didn’t want it to look like I was clinging to something that I had lost. Anyway, long story short, you gotta book with Arnie like 2 weeks in advance. I told him what the deal was so he squeezed me in, but by the time the cut, blow dry and leave in conditioner had taken its effect, I was just exhausted.
While Jesus is reportedly, “happy with the new do,” he acknowledges that timing is just as important as looks. “You gotta make an entrance,” He said. While He considers it “inappropriate” to show up a day late, He has decided to jump on the Mayan calendar bandwagon and end the world then. “It’ll be pretty easy. The magnetic poles are fixing to switch and solar flares are already going to wipe out the U.S. power grid for months then anyway, so I won’t even have to do the whole fire and brimstone thing. So, listen up world, put December 21st 2012 in your smart phone or ipad `cuz this time I mean it. I’m coming back!”
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