“Mass murder is a nation-wide problem that needs to be analyzed and addressed,” a TV pundit for CNN said during her heartfelt broadcast. When notified that the majority of mass shooters (shooting 4 or more people) in 2019 were gang affiliated, the TV pundit launched into a diatribe about how the first amendment is an excuse for hate speech and that some stat’s support a hateful agenda.

A local news reporter attempted to ask Joe Biden, presidential democratic hopeful, his take on the matter, but he got too close and was almost shot by Biden’s security staff.

A British telegram that’s been heavily censored from the history books surfaced recently that has put Democrats and Gang Bangers alike at ease “Trust your government, trust we know what’s good for you, and let us have the guns. What’s the worst that could happen?” –Unknown English monarch to George Washington in 1775.

Activists around the nation are furious over a recent discovery that Bisphenol A (BPA), a hormone disruptor easily absorbed from paper into the skin, is being added to American currency. Janet Yellen, chair of the Federal Reserve, held a brief press conference, saying, “This is merely coincidence. We’re just trying to make cutbacks.” When asked why considering the Fed's capacity to just print more money to pay for more expensive printers, Yellen responded, “We don’t just print money out of the blue for technology, that’s Social Security.”

Suspicions that the contents of currency changed arose several months ago when a report in Psychology Today came out showing that men across the board were getting more in touch with their ‘feminine side.’ “Yeah,” Jonathan Medley, one of the test subjects reported. “This is just what I need. Matching man boobs for my swollen gut.” Head researcher, Amy Banner, agreed the findings were not all positive. “Men are becoming more aware of their emotions. However, they’re also growing moobs.”

A small constituency for the removal of a bill allowing BPA to be used in the manufacturing of plastic bottles and paper has so far held very little traction after the EPA withdrew support. An EPA spokesman went on record saying, “It’s unfortunate that daily exposure to these toxins is happening to people. However, it’s not happening to the environment.”

New World Order member, who wished to remain anonymous, welcomed BPA-coated paper, but could not take credit. “It’s not easy tracking people’s spending patterns since not everybody gets drunk and goes shopping online. But this (BPA) move is a win/win because it does more than push us toward a cashless society. You have to understand the chemical assault of the general population has taken a beating, especially towards men. People are pushing to take fluoride out of the water, no one’s outside long enough to sustain the effects of chem trails, grocery stores are carrying organic food. With the exception of GMO's, which by the way almost had to label their products, there’s almost no way to infect people anymore. Christ, if it weren’t for the CDC and their man-made diseases, I don’t know if we could even convince the population to accept all the evil crap we put into vaccines. But I digress. The point is there are now only two options, either use a form of payment we can track, or saddle up to chick flicks and being overly emotional for no apparent reason.”

Proponents of the effeminization movement, including the NFL, starbucks and other corporations cramming pink down the populations’ throat in the name of a cure being suppressed, applauded the move and has implemented thermal printers to lace their receipts with BPA to help speed up the process of turning guys into girls and girls into guys. Upon hearing this news, Ben Bernanke, formal head of the Federal Reserve, slated a vote at the next Free Mason meeting to merge all corporate gift cards into one overlying gift card that can be used after the inevitable crash of our currency to keep the population at work. 

Bigfoot, the legendary forest creature, has finally been caught and subsequently killed by a bullet wound to the head. President Obama gave his victorious speech from the white house lawn and marked the occasion with these historic words: “My fellow Americans, today is a day that will live on throughout history. Let me go on record as saying that on my watch, Bigfoot is dead.”

The news came as a welcome relief to millions who believed the elusive beast would never be caught. However, some detractors believe Big Foot’s execution was a waste. Dr. Jack Pace, renowned UNLV anthropologist noted, “What would have been a huge source of information has been permanently washed away.” The white house press secretary responded by releasing a statement saying “Bigfoot was armed. He had a rock the size of an avocado and our military had to act.” However, that statement was later retracted when sources reported that the rock was in fact, an avocado.

Perhaps the most disturbing revelation was that President Obama removed the mammoth’s body the same night. Skeptics believe the hasty disposal of Bigfoot was done to prevent any proper procedure of identification. “Let me say this,” Barrack responded. “Big foot was given a proper burial at an undisclosed region of the forest in line with Big Foot traditions.”

Further proof of a cover-up, doubters say, is evidenced by the government’s refusal to release any photos. When asked why, Barrack responded by saying, “Look, the pictures were gross. Remember what Saddam’s kids looked like in the photos when we killed them. Well, it was like that, but a lot hairier.”

While DNA evidence was cited as primary evidence of his identification, researchers were quick to point out that without prior DNA to match up with, there’s no proof. This issue has already been exploited in Mississippi where John Bueller, a reverend at a local church, claims he has identified the body of Jesus by matching it up with DNA in his garage.

The famous `Big Foot` speech, given by President Obama on May 1^st marks the same day in 1945 that Hitler was announced dead. It is also the same day President George W. Bush gave his “mission accomplished” speech. “If you ask me,” Mike D. from Marietta tweeted, “Barrack’s just gearing up for campaign re-election and he’s fabricated the whole thing to boost his polls.” To counter, Barrack issued a twitter response of his own saying, “That’s simply not true. We caught it, and it’s dead. For God’s sake, if we had to prove every single time that we killed someone considered to be a national threat, I wouldn’t have time to take a shit.”

As of press time, Barrack is in Scotland where he is rumored to have tracked down and slaughtered the Loch Ness Monster.