Showing posts with label Economy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Economy. Show all posts
Coca Cola losing touch with their once most-loyal customers
"Your body is a temple," said Billy Baxter, another member of the focus group who's been up the last 48 hours on a cocaine binge. The last thing I'm going to do is fill that temple with high-fructose corn syrup. He then did a monster rail and passed out.
While Coca Cola has taken steps to increase its addictiveness, including using food additives such as MSG in a form yet to be banned by the FDA, nothing seems to be improving sales with the demographic. "I don't get it," said marketing exec Milford Bradley. "We've taken all the calories out, lowered the price, even revamped the packaging. What more do these people want?" Replied coke-head Stevie Peppers, "Coke."
Backlash over coat hanger company marketing to pregnant teenagers
The catchphrase, “It fits snug in your snatch” has been lambasted by both sides of the political spectrum. “That’s not the idea,” said Dr. Robert Ludlum, Abortion clinic physician. “Abortions require the skill of a trained professional with professional equipment. While a coat hanger could technically do the job, the effectiveness of the tool has nothing to do with how cozy it fits in the vagina.” That notion was echoed by a pro-life rally gathered outside of the Hanson Hanger corporation for hours yesterday chanting, “Not in my cooch!”
“They should come right out and just say what it’s really for,” said critic Ron Abrams. Other opponents similarly pointed out that Hanson Hangers are not really geared toward being used for clothes. "At $14 a hanger, it’s either a really expensive coat hanger or really cheap abortion.”
Teenagers, on the other hand, don’t share the same viewpoint. “It’s not like a bad idea. I mean, I’d rather take one of those morning-after pills for those night-before spills <giggles> okay, I just made that up <laughter>. Anyway, like, it should at least come with instructions.”
Pro-choice advocates point out that teenagers don’t have much of a choice. “If you’re a teenager and can’t afford to go to an abortion clinic, do you really want to ask your parents for the money and reveal you’re pregnant?”
While using Hanson Hangers to abort your baby are still considered a dangerous procedure, most teenagers agree that it still beats having a baby.
Car companies admit to have knowingly supplied American consumers with dorky cars
In what experts are calling the scam of the century at the highest level, all major car companies have been implicated in willingly and purposely rolling out dorky cars to the American public. “It all started when we fired the project managers,” said Ford motor company president Robert Fox to a jury. “We had no idea they were taking the engineers geeky designs and making them cool.” Added Fox, “Terminating them was like giving the football to the valedictorian during the big game and then standing by idly while he throws it like a girl.”
The general consensus in the courtroom was that cool costs too much. “The average consumer has a budget between eight and twelve thousand,” a Kia marketing directing said. “That falls about forty grand short of anything that will get you laid.” “Cars cost a lot of money to design,” Honda spokesman Donna Richards added. “By the time we realized cars were designed with the same lack of charisma and sexiness as their drivers, it was too late. Fortunately, at the peak of geek, Napoleon Dynamite came out and was wildly accepted. Talk about sheer luck. All of a sudden it was cool to be lame. At that point there was no turning back. I’m sorry America.”
Another horrible trade off has been a reduced 0-60 mph time in exchange for advances in technology. “Come on,” Scion founder John Lee said under oath. “You want to drag race in one of our shit boxes? Even if you win you lose.” “Why do I have to sacrifice my dignity for increased gas mileage?” said one Prius owner. Added another, “I’m tired of guys in Maseratis throwing eggs at me.”
As the trial unraveled, it was revealed that designers knowingly fazed out sexy curves in favor of a more boxy look. “What the fuck happened?” An angry car-owner yelled. “It’s like you’re dating this hot, petite chick, next thing you know she totally let herself go. How did my car turn into Christina Aguilera?”
Not every automobile company president showed remorse. Toyota's president went on record as saying, “Sure, we have access to all colors of the rainbow. But as long as these kids think it’s awesome to be boring, we’re sticking with black, white and forty-seven shades of gray. And if someone really feels the need to express themself, we have a few other options.” After a moment, he retracted his statement saying, “No, you know what? If you wanna express yourself, paint a fucking picture and post it to facebook.”
The Onion officially sells out
“While we’ve spent the last 20-some-odd years mocking the corporate world and everything about it, we feel that there is nothing mainstream about these particular products,” Will said, while adjusting his Rolex watch. “There’s absolutely nothing about the Ford Fiesta we could mock,” Carol Kolb, co-executive producer/head writer, added while getting a massage. “Now there’s a hip, counterculture car.”
The Onion’s national digital advertising director, Matt McDonagh, echoed a similar notion. “We believe these products are in line with our viewers. The average reader wants to be perceived as someone who `drinks,` but not a `drinker,` someone who cares equally about fresh breath and a recognizable name, and finally, someone who reads the title of our articles and goes, “I get it,” and shares it on facebook without wasting valuable office time reading the whole thing or deciphering some deeper social undertone.
“It’s not like I don’t wanna write about what I think really happened with Bin Laden,” one of the political writers said, while smoking what he was contractually obligated to refer to as `a refreshing Camel Light.` “It’s just, our revenue stream depends on sheer volume of consumers clicking on advertisements, and our sponsors don’t want us alienating any would-be clients.” “But,” added the writer, “I mean, we can still use biting satire. It just has to be about a topic less polarizing, like the Canadian Prime Minister. Man, I got a good one about him and maple syrup.”
“Look, we’re not in Wisconsin anymore,” said Will, now donned in a full-body Altoid jumpsuit to a room full of writers. “Unfortunately, due to budgetary constraints, we’re going to have to let some of you go. Oh, and remember, next Friday is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans. And if you could try and remember to submit your articles with TPS cover sheets that would be great. Okay? Thanks!”
Corporate pharmacies refuse to sell ice bags to drive-thru customers
“If they can’t walk in because they hurt themselves, they can instead purchase pain killers. Otherwise, fuck `em.”
Marketers officially kill and rape American lexicon (in that order)
"I'm loving it," said local trend-starter Darvin Cross. "Uh, that's a McDonalds slogan now," Darvin's friend told a now-dejected Darvin.
Said sociologist Dr. Price, "there is a concerted effort effort on the part of the youth to separate themselves from their predecessors through slang. Unfortunately, within minutes of any new word being posted, Carl's Junior has already inserted it into their next large-breasted-blonde-sloppily-biting-into-a-burger commercial."
However, not everyone is in agreement. "There is no revolution." a video-game exec told a packed conference room. "Except Dance-Dance Revolution. "No," said Dove soap corporate exec. "There is a curvy-girl revolution. And they prefer Dove soap because it works with their fat skin." "That's just ignorant." said an Apple exec. "The revolution is a digital one, and those 'in-the-know' tap into it with an iPhone." "Have it your [motherfucking] way," said Burger King spokesman before storming out.
As of press-time, there is no consensus that there actually is any revolution except the marketing revolution and a confused Darvin opened his mail to find three separate checks from McDonalds for twenty-five cents with an offer for five-thousand dollars to tattoo 'I'm loving it' on his forehead.
Dell accidentally creates laptop battery that well exceeds warranty
GUY WHO STOLE YOUR CREDIT DESPERATELY WANTS TO GIVE IT BACK
"I can't even get approved for a fucking Ralph's card."
TO SCARE OLD PEOPLE INTO BUYING MORE LIFE INSURANCE, `MET LIFE` CHANGES NAME TO `MEET DEATH`
“New company mascot to be the Grim Reaper.”
`FOLLOW ME`, a spin-off line of pants from Juicy, recalled for number of stalker complaints
In an effort to bolster the Juicy brand, "Follow me" had undesirable effects. "We plastered it in the same font and size as "Juicy," but it got all the wrong reactions. "I don't understand," said Milan, local Carribou coffee frequenter. "How can I get a restraining order when I was just doing what I'm told." John Anderson echoed a similar notion. {licking lips} "I like to follow directions." The recall includes all pants sized x-small, small, and medium.
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