https://rosendude.blogspot.com/2019/09/democrats-gang-bangers-agree-on-gun.htmlAll around the nation, democrats and gang bangers are calling for guns to be taken out of law abiding citizen’s hands. “The second amendment is outdated,” Amy Barrow, longtime democrat shouted during a rally. Knife, 5-year gang member, echoed a similar sentiment. “I’m sick of these gun-toting Republicans. How many of my brothers gotta get shot breaking into their homes?!”

“Mass murder is a nation-wide problem that needs to be analyzed and addressed,” a TV pundit for CNN said during her heartfelt broadcast. When notified that the majority of mass shooters (shooting 4 or more people) in 2019 were gang affiliated, the TV pundit launched into a diatribe about how the first amendment is an excuse for hate speech and that some stat’s support a hateful agenda.

A local news reporter attempted to ask Joe Biden, presidential democratic hopeful, his take on the matter, but he got too close and was almost shot by Biden’s security staff.

A British telegram that’s been heavily censored from the history books surfaced recently that has put Democrats and Gang Bangers alike at ease “Trust your government, trust we know what’s good for you, and let us have the guns. What’s the worst that could happen?” –Unknown English monarch to George Washington in 1775.

God makes exception for George Michael

Despite being a known atheist, homosexual and sexual degenerate, God announced Monday that He will be allowing the former WHAM lead singer to enter the pearly gates. "Wake me up before you go, go is a classic," the all-knowing, all-powerful deity said to the saints. "But it's even better live."

God then handed this message down to the Pope. "The secret to getting into heaven is your belief in Jesus as your Lord and Savior. And while George did not make any overt references to the bible, and wore a cross ironically, he did make a catchy tune called Faith."

Rumors that George Michael will be released from the all-consuming pain that surrounds him every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year in hell, began when God mentioned to Moses how George could have pumped out at least another 1-2 albums had he not gotten off track getting caught masturbating at the movie theater. "I am all-seeing God and even I had to look away. But now he will be ready to crank out some pop hits combined with a steller choreographical interpretation. "Pain is really good to get the creative juices flowing you know."

Stripper gets tetanus after twirling on rusty pole

"How am I gonna make rent now when I can't dance and have lock jaw?"

Crack-head mom worried about her pot-head son

Fair-weather Fans Gear up to become Fair-Weather Voters

Thirty days after an exciting battle between two largely forgotten teams, super bowl fans turn their fleeting attention toward the presidential election. “When football season ended, I didn’t know where to turn. Basketball’s too black and baseball doesn’t start for a few months. Then I saw Trump say he was gonna put up a wall and I was like, “Dang, I can get behind this, least for a few months.” A Carolina Panthers fan expressed a similarly prejudiced yet opposing view. “I was so bummed they [Panthers] lost after learning right before the game that their quarterback’s black, but then I found out Hillary’s running and now I can channel my support for minorities toward voting in a woman, unless a Hispanic steps in and runs.”

Political Science professor, Marvin Atworth, weighed in on their positions. “While lacking any discernable understanding of a candidates’ platform would monumentally increase the amount of times a voter flip flops, in this instance their bigotry ironically serves to anchor their view and make their vote quite predictable.

However, not every voter was steadfast in their ignorance. Luke Wormer, long-time face painter and first time voter, has gone back and forth with his choice several times in the last week. “When I saw this meme about Bernie Sanders, I knew I couldn’t vote for him, but then I saw a meme about Hillary, and now I’m torn. Do I vote for the socialist or the corporate-owned politician?” When told that his face paint was not in fact those of the Democratic party Luke replied, “Fuck! It took me 5 hours to put this shit on! (pause). Guess I’ll just vote Republican.”

One thing all voters have in common is that neither candidate serves their interests. This, however, has done nothing to stop people from catching voter fever and getting into screaming matches with family, deleting long-time friends off of facebook, and echoing sound bites carefully crafted by each respective candidate’s writing team.

While other options exist, such as voting libertarian or writing in Mickey Mouse, the majority of voters steer clear of the unknown. “Basically, for me, it boils down to the candidate’s character. That’s why I vote against the person with the most negative campaign commercials.”

Still others avoid the process entirely, citing an IT confession over vote tampering. However, a higher-up governmental official disagreed, saying, "This is what we do as Americans. We vote. As patriots, it's our job to give meaning to a meaningless process."

Though the impact of the election will have far-reaching, lifelong consequences, fair-weather voters will shortly thereafter focus on an even more pressing patriot issue, whether Tom Brady will earn another super-bowl ring.

"I support the transgender movement," says man who desperately has to shit

"And for the next 5 minutes I identify as a woman," he said before bypassing the occupied men's toilet and entering the women's.

Due to cutbacks, NASA now offering domestic flights

In a desperate bid to reclaim recent cuts to the space program, NASA, once-renowned space exploration agency, will now offer domestic flights from many major cities and Puerto Rico. "We saw the writing on the wall." NASA PR spokesman, Amy Babble continued, "and it said, no one gives a shit." So here we are.

Flights will be significantly faster than any other airliner in the world. "We can get you from LA to Atlanta in 8 minutes." However, there are drawbacks as hedge fund manager, Ernie Willis found out. "Yeah, 8 minutes, with a 4 day layover in Phoenix." As a result, NASA has rebranded their slogan to stand for Nonstop At Some Airports.

Another drawback is the price, starting at $10,000 a ticket non-refundable, or $10,030 if refundable. "But," PR spokesman, Babble, reminded customers, "You can check in up to three bags, no charge." If you can stomach the price and potential layover, another hurdle is the potential risk of the rocket blowing up in the first 100 meters. "But," Babble chimed in, "if they make it past that, it is almost statistically impossible that the rocket would break apart."

"We're trying to recapture the imagination of the American people and make some pocket change at the same time." Astronauts were not happy to learn they've been reassigned. "I spent 12 years of my life dedicating myself to physics, engineering and not throwing up at Mach 10, now those skills translate to handing out peanuts to rich assholes?!" "There will also be pretzels for people with nut allergies," Babble retorted.

Since there's no union to protect the astronauts, they have collectively agreed that if forced to work as "air waitresses" they will expose that the entire first moon landing was staged by Stanley Kubrick and that extra terrestrials and routinely edited out of satellite feeds.

As of press time, the entire flight crew has been replaced by a cat.

BREAKING: Stars don't actually use the products they advertise!

In a shocking revelation, it turns out trusted and beloved actors across the board don't actually consume the products they pedal. Hair stylist Manny Angelo, who's been cutting Sofia Verdago's hair for four years said, "Bitch please, Sophia couldn't pick Head and Shoulders out of a lineup if it included three rapists, two pedophiles and one bottle of shampoo." Jennifer Aniston reportedly fired her latest assistant for giving her a bottle of Aveeno when she asked for moisturizer. Aniston was later overheard saying, "I would rather have Ralph [an overweight crew member] jizz on my face than rub that shit on my cheeks."

In a similar notion, Samuel L. Jackson reportedly cannot get approved for a Capitol One credit card, prompting him to star in one of their commercials. Financial Analyst Jim Mercer weighed in on the recent trend of selling out. "Celebrity status does not come without it's price. And while most can afford the Malibu beach house and champagne VIP section, it is not a sustainable lifestyle. That or they simply enjoy being corporate shills." Social Scientist, Adam Barstein added, "Look at Selma Hyack. She's worth millions, yet she married an old, saggy billionaire, thus confirming that for some, gold digging is engrained in their DNA."

Worse still are the many upcoming actors looking for their big break, but cannot even find opportunity in the commercial industry. Scott Rosenfeld, who's had roles such as Guy#3 in He's Just Not That Into You and a small recurring role in an Amazon pilot alongside Christina Ricci had this to say. "I'm in the room practicing my lines for a car commercial, and I look over and hear, "Alright, alright, alright. You here for the Lincoln audition too?" "Are you freaking kidding me," a dejected Scott said before wiping his ass with the script and then brushing it under Matthew McConaughey's nose before storming out.