All around the nation, democrats and gang bangers are calling for guns to be taken out of law abiding citizen’s hands. “The second amendment is outdated,” Amy Barrow, longtime democrat shouted during a rally. Knife, 5-year gang member, echoed a similar sentiment. “I’m sick of these gun-toting Republicans. How many of my brothers gotta get shot breaking into their homes?!”

Thirty days after an exciting battle between two largely forgotten teams, super bowl fans turn their fleeting attention toward the presidential election. “When football season ended, I didn’t know where to turn. Basketball’s too black and baseball doesn’t start for a few months. Then I saw Trump say he was gonna put up a wall and I was like, “Dang, I can get behind this, least for a few months.” A Carolina Panthers fan expressed a similarly prejudiced yet opposing view. “I was so bummed they [Panthers] lost after learning right before the game that their quarterback’s black, but then I found out Hillary’s running and now I can channel my support for minorities toward voting in a woman, unless a Hispanic steps in and runs.”

Political Science professor, Marvin Atworth, weighed in on their positions. “While lacking any discernable understanding of a candidates’ platform would monumentally increase the amount of times a voter flip flops, in this instance their bigotry ironically serves to anchor their view and make their vote quite predictable.

However, not every voter was steadfast in their ignorance. Luke Wormer, long-time face painter and first time voter, has gone back and forth with his choice several times in the last week. “When I saw this meme about Bernie Sanders, I knew I couldn’t vote for him, but then I saw a meme about Hillary, and now I’m torn. Do I vote for the socialist or the corporate-owned politician?” When told that his face paint was not in fact those of the Democratic party Luke replied, “Fuck! It took me 5 hours to put this shit on! (pause). Guess I’ll just vote Republican.”

One thing all voters have in common is that neither candidate serves their interests. This, however, has done nothing to stop people from catching voter fever and getting into screaming matches with family, deleting long-time friends off of facebook, and echoing sound bites carefully crafted by each respective candidate’s writing team.

While other options exist, such as voting libertarian or writing in Mickey Mouse, the majority of voters steer clear of the unknown. “Basically, for me, it boils down to the candidate’s character. That’s why I vote against the person with the most negative campaign commercials.”

Still others avoid the process entirely, citing an IT confession over vote tampering. However, a higher-up governmental official disagreed, saying, "This is what we do as Americans. We vote. As patriots, it's our job to give meaning to a meaningless process."

Though the impact of the election will have far-reaching, lifelong consequences, fair-weather voters will shortly thereafter focus on an even more pressing patriot issue, whether Tom Brady will earn another super-bowl ring.