Showing posts with label Home. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Home. Show all posts
Nerd cannot believe he is still in the friend zone
While making no attempt at his outside appearance or hygiene, Pinkowitz believes Meadows lack of attraction towards him is because she hasn’t really gotten to know him. “She doesn’t know what she’s missing. Meanwhile, she’s dating Tom Adams because I guess he can throw a football farther than anyone else. Yeah, there’s a great reason to like someone.”
Pinkowitz has been enamored with Stephanie since freshman year. “Even then she had bouncy hair and perky breasts. But looking past all that, the one thing that always stood out for me is her gleaming complexion."
Though the two have almost nothing in common, Norman holds out hope that they will one day be united. “Hey, opposites attract. She just needs to break out of this superficial phase she’s been going through since the sixth grade.”
When asked if he would consider taking Mary Finkerton, a sweet, good-hearted classmate, to prom, Norman replied, “Uh, yeah, if she lost like thirty pounds.”
TABLE OF CONTENTS
POLITICS/ECONOMICS: 1-7
SPORTS: 8-13
ENTERTAINMENT: 14-19
BUSINESS: 20-25
SCIENCE: 26-31
HUMAN INTEREST: 32-41
RELIGION/PHILOSOPHY: 42-48
CONSPIRACY: 49-53
OPINION: 54-57
"BIG FOOT DEAD" exclaims Barrack Obama to an overjoyed America
The news came as a welcome relief to millions who believed the elusive beast would never be caught. However, some detractors believe Big Foot’s execution was a waste. Dr. Jack Pace, renowned UNLV anthropologist noted, “What would have been a huge source of information has been permanently washed away.” The white house press secretary responded by releasing a statement saying “Bigfoot was armed. He had a rock the size of an avocado and our military had to act.” However, that statement was later retracted when sources reported that the rock was in fact, an avocado.
Perhaps the most disturbing revelation was that President Obama removed the mammoth’s body the same night. Skeptics believe the hasty disposal of Bigfoot was done to prevent any proper procedure of identification. “Let me say this,” Barrack responded. “Big foot was given a proper burial at an undisclosed region of the forest in line with Big Foot traditions.”
Further proof of a cover-up, doubters say, is evidenced by the government’s refusal to release any photos. When asked why, Barrack responded by saying, “Look, the pictures were gross. Remember what Saddam’s kids looked like in the photos when we killed them. Well, it was like that, but a lot hairier.”
While DNA evidence was cited as primary evidence of his identification, researchers were quick to point out that without prior DNA to match up with, there’s no proof. This issue has already been exploited in Mississippi where John Bueller, a reverend at a local church, claims he has identified the body of Jesus by matching it up with DNA in his garage.
The famous `Big Foot` speech, given by President Obama on May 1st marks the same day in 1945 that Hitler was announced dead. It is also the same day President George W. Bush gave his “mission accomplished” speech. “If you ask me,” Mike D. from Marietta tweeted, “Barrack’s just gearing up for campaign re-election and he’s fabricated the whole thing to boost his polls.” To counter, Barrack issued a twitter response of his own saying, “That’s simply not true. We caught it, and it’s dead. For God’s sake, if we had to prove every single time that we killed someone considered to be a national threat, I wouldn’t have time to take a shit.”
As of press time, Barrack is in Scotland where he is rumored to have tracked down and slaughtered the Loch Ness Monster.
In a bid to generate more buzz for UFC 133, Dana White pits Brock Lesnar against a Bengal tiger
In what expert analysts are calling “the fight of the year,” Dana White decided Monday to put Brock Lesnar in the octagon with an 800 pound Bengal tiger named Betsy. “After Brock’s loss to Cain Velesquez, I knew I had to reach deep into my bag of tricks to come up with an exciting opponent. Well {smirking}, I think I found one.”
Of the fight, Joe Rogan, UFC announcer said, “His skill set compliments Betsy perfectly. Lesnar has well-rounded stand up and a dominating ground game while the tiger has six inch claws that can rip through skin.” Mike Goldberg, his co-host, disagreed. "Lesnar has so many more weapons in his arsenal. He has vicious ground-and-pound, brutal overhand strikes, and a devastating leg kick. Though it's hard to overlook that the tiger can produced fifteen hundred pounds per square inch of bite pressure."
As a result of his training and high-protein diet, Lesnar has bulked up to 305 pounds. And though he’s outweighed by almost 500 pounds, Brock will enjoy a 14 inch reach advantage, which is significantly longer than the tiger’s.
“I believe that hard work pays off.” A sweaty Brock said. “You put in the time, you see the results. Betsy, on the other hand, sits on her ass all day wagging her tail. Maybe she’ll pace back and forth for a few hours. That’s hardly the training program of a champion.”
Set for 3 five-minute rounds at the Mandalay Bay arena in Las Vegas, Betsy will have home field advantage as she is on loan from Siegfried and Roy over at the Mirage Hotel. “She’s a beautiful, majestic creature,” said Roy, still recovering from neck trauma suffered at the hands of Betsy. “Just don’t stare her in the face for too long.”
Brock is already making a bold prediction. “Knock out, first round!” While Brock has been extremely vocal about the fight, Betsy has laid low, not saying much if anything at all. One reporter tried to get Betsy’s thoughts on the fight, but the interview was cut short when the tiger swiped at the camera, shattering the electronic device into pieces.
“Yeah, it’s gonna be some fight,” said Dana White, still grinning ear-to-ear. “If Brock can avoid the tiger’s four inch teeth that can penetrate steel, I predict his stamina will outlast Betsy’s. However, if the fight only goes one round, I predict the tiger will maul Brock in fifteen seconds.
Father at son’s funeral wishes it was him instead after giving eulogy
Earlier today, Bob took the podium in front of over 75 friends and family of 23 year-old Adam. “I just had so much emotion that I forgot to proof read the script.” The flop sweat beaded down his forehead as Bob unfolded his speech and opened with, “Adam was the best son a father could ask for. We both loved cars. If he wasn’t working on his car, he was in the garage assfisting me. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that…"
“The fucking wheels came off the wagon,” said Bob, who decided to end the scheduled 5 minute speech 12 seconds into it. On goers were shocked. “The Bordin’s always struck me as a little off,” said John Abrams, neighbor, “but I mean, letting your son assfist you? That is truly fucked up.”
News spread like wildfire throughout the Mobile, Alabama community. “Shit, Bob and me go back to high school together. He never struck me as the kind of guy who liked to have a man’s forearm up his asshole.”
Further confounding the issue was that Mr. Bordin is a staunch Republican adamantly against gay marriage. “I thought Bob didn’t want gay marriage because it’s against God,” said church acquaintance Michelle Adams, “not because he’d rather play the field.” “Burying your son ain’t natural,” said co-worker Reed Mitchel, “but neither is letting him stink-fist you.”
Though Bob did his best at damage control by sending out a mass e-mail stating in huge letters that his son is not gay and that he made `an egregious typo of the highest magnitude,` the community is not swayed. Ted Bower, convicted sex offender, did little to help Bob’s cause when, outside the funeral, he said to a wincing crowed, “Bob’s just trying to keep it in the family.”
Since the incident, Bob has found little solace. “The grief I’m experiencing right now for my son’s loss is devastating and in no way compares to the amount of shame and embarrassment I feel. Why couldn’t it have been me in that casket?” Bob was last seen in a local Target purchasing Word editing software and a 6 foot rope.
"I did it the hard way"
Says Jaden Smith, son of Will Smith, Kate Hudson, daughter of Goldie Hawn, Gwyneth Paltrow, daughter of Blythe Danner, Jennifer Aniston, daughter of some soap star, Tori Spelling, daughter of 90210 producer Aaron Spelling, Ben Stiller, son of Jerry Stiller, Christian Slater, son of casting director Mary Jo Slater, Paulie Shore, son of Comedy Store founder Mitzi Shore, Lorraine Nicholson, daughter of Jack Nicholson, Colin Hanks, son of Tom Hanks, Angelina Jolie, daughter of John Voigt, Nicolas Cage, nephew of Godfather director Francis Ford Coppola, Drew Barrymore, daughter of everyone, Keifer Sutherland, son of Donald Sutherland, Jeff and Beau Bridges, sons of Lloyd Bridges, Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen, sons of Martin Sheen, Sean Astin, son of Patty Duke, Bryce Dallas Howard, daughter of Ron Howard, Miley Cyrus, daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus, George Clooney, Drew Barrymore, Zooey Deschanel, and 1,496 other actors, directors, and producers.
Rapture pushed back due to Jesus' haircut
"First off," Jesus, our Lord, said. “I wanted May 21st to be the rapture, I really did. But at the last minute I had a change of heart and finally decided to cut my hair. Problem was Arnie, my regular stylist, was already booked.”
Since putting May 21st in his Blackberry 6 months ago, Jesus has been on a mission to get in shape for his second coming,” “The guy’s an animal,” Moses said. “He spends 3 hours in the gym doing crunches, curls, squats, his lifting technique, by the way, is flawless.”
“Look,” Jesus said while flexing in the mirror, “the world hasn’t seen me in like 2000 years. The last thing I want to hear about is how much I’ve aged. People want to be saved by a God, not a guy with bags under his eyes. Incidentally, the eye cream in heaven is amazing.”
Between his workout regimen, monthly microdermabrasions combined with botox injections and Proactiv, Jesus has really brought his look into the 21st century. “I wasn’t going to go with Birkenstock sandals. They’re way too '80’s. But I was going to hold onto my classic beard and long hair. That is, until I had herbal tea with Ghandi.” “Jesus,” he said to me. “It’s 2011. Times have changed. You can’t be accepted as the savior of mankind if you look like a dirty hippie.”
He was right. Nobody was going to respect a guy who looks like he just stumbled out of a Phish concert. So the first thing I did was shave the beard. Man, that felt good! Razors, by the way, are so much better now. Back in 20 AD, you took your life in your hands every time you shaved your neck. Anyway, when the metamorphosis was complete, I looked in the mirror, and I was shocked. I looked like Scott Stapp from Creed. I knew I had to grow it back because no one’s gonna let a douche into their heart.
So, there I am. It’s May 20th. I’m buff, I’m tan, I’m in command, you know. Then Ghandi’s words hit me, “dirty hippie.” The hair’s been the last obstacle towards a total modern-day Jesus makeover, and I knew it had to go. But I gotta tell you, it was so hard to let go of my long hair. To me, it represented my youth. But my hairline’s not what it used to be, and I didn’t want it to look like I was clinging to something that I had lost. Anyway, long story short, you gotta book with Arnie like 2 weeks in advance. I told him what the deal was so he squeezed me in, but by the time the cut, blow dry and leave in conditioner had taken its effect, I was just exhausted.
While Jesus is reportedly, “happy with the new do,” he acknowledges that timing is just as important as looks. “You gotta make an entrance,” He said. While He considers it “inappropriate” to show up a day late, He has decided to jump on the Mayan calendar bandwagon and end the world then. “It’ll be pretty easy. The magnetic poles are fixing to switch and solar flares are already going to wipe out the U.S. power grid for months then anyway, so I won’t even have to do the whole fire and brimstone thing. So, listen up world, put December 21st 2012 in your smart phone or ipad `cuz this time I mean it. I’m coming back!”
PETA study infects humans with FIV, the feline version of HIV, in search of cure in cats
“The problem has been that clinical trials in yeast and bacteria take years to yield results. Meanwhile, every day cute little kitties are dying of this nasty virus. Something had to be done to shorten the length of these studies, and humans happen to provide a reliable animal model without crossing ethical boundaries of experimenting on the animals themselves,” said PETA spokeswoman Laura Ashford.
Some scientists disagreed with Laura’s viewpoint. “I’m concerned these humans aren’t being treated ethically,” said Dr. Aimes, a clinical scientist who uses mice to evaluate spinal cord injuries. “Is the lab environment clean? Are they being fed? Is there a giant hamster wheel they can exercise on?”
“It’s really a win/win situation,” continued Ms. Ashford. “We get to learn more about this disease, and the homeless people get a place to stay for a few weeks in our state-of-the-art testing facility.”Said Marvin Williams, homeless guy, “Them steel cages ain’t the most comfortable place to sleep. In fact, they cold as hell. But they give ya hot soup every morning, so I guess it make up fo` it.”
“The bottom line isn’t finding a cure, it’s preventing the disease,” said Amy Adams, Public Health specialist. “So while poking and prodding the homeless has a purpose,the real issue is controlling the reckless behavior of these cats not using protection.”
“Funding for felines is abysmal,” said Laura. “You don’t see an FIV walk, or a drive to raise money for FIV. Not only does homeless testing cost less, but they make ten dollars a day, cash. “That fine by me,” added Marvin.
Still a majority of people do not support FIV testing. Reverend Bob Thomas of St. Louis said, “FIV is God’s way of punishing cats for sins of the flesh. Their owners are not free from sin either. They should have the decency to get these animals spade or neutered.”
While a cure isn’t around the corner for cats living with FIV, with this new program of experimenting on the homeless, hope is on the horizon. “Yeah,” continued Laura, “if those human-rights assholes don’t ruin it for us.”
MAN IN BACKGROUND OF DOCUMENTARY WON'T STOP STARING DIRECTLY INTO CAMERA LENS
“Seriously, will somebody get this guy out of here? Jesus! Now, he’s awkwardly following the camera.”
Bus driver's dream of making it as a cab driver not what he envisioned
In addition to being thrown up on, Farhan has been yelled at, spit on, stiffed, and flashed. "It's never the genitals you want to see," remarked Mr. Abadullahram. After just two weeks on the job, he's considering other options. "The other day, this guy honked at me. His passenger rolled down the window, yelled, "FUCK YOU" and gave me the finger. As he put his hand back in, I noticed he was being driven in a limo." Now that looks like a great job.
Only exposure to English Culture aquired at a pub
"I'd like a Stella," Mark said to the English bar man who replied, "Four quid." When asked about his experience in another country Mark replied, "I really think I understand these people. And I attribute it all to alcoholism."
`FOLLOW ME`, a spin-off line of pants from Juicy, recalled for number of stalker complaints
In an effort to bolster the Juicy brand, "Follow me" had undesirable effects. "We plastered it in the same font and size as "Juicy," but it got all the wrong reactions. "I don't understand," said Milan, local Carribou coffee frequenter. "How can I get a restraining order when I was just doing what I'm told." John Anderson echoed a similar notion. {licking lips} "I like to follow directions." The recall includes all pants sized x-small, small, and medium.
"I PREFER THE TERM MUSICIAN"
Says Britney Spears to fan after lip synching her hit songs which she neither wrote, composed nor choreographed.
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