Jesus, lord and savior, is reportedly being censored at every turn via the internet. "First I tried registering on Facebook, but someone had already taken my name. In fact, ten thousand." A facebook administrator responded, "We allow celebrities to register, but they need ID. And sending a low-resolution Vine of turning water into wine doesn't cut it."

Jesus continued, "Who's gonna follow Jesus_12344, a number which has no significance! So I begin sending messages to the people until I find out they're being sent to their 'other folder' which is a polite way of saying they have taken the word of the lord and rerouted it to spam. Oh, but I can pay to have the message delivered to their inbox. So I'm supposed to shell out money to invite people to a blissful after life?

So I get a reddit account. Within 12 minutes I was banned.

Then I make a video and post it to youtube and link it under another video, but get no replies. So I log out and check the video again. Guess why no responses? I'd been shadow banned. What!?"

Then I get on twitter. Talk about embarrassing. 2,000 years ago I had 12 followers. After five days using every hashtag imaginable, I was up to eight. EIGHT! Then I get an email saying I can get 100 thousand followers for $500. Are you freaking kidding me?!"

So I go to meetup.com to form a group. Guess what? I get an email saying my meet up was "not approved" with a list of their guidelines. So I reply asking specifically why, and I get a bounce back saying that my email was sent to an unrepliable address. That's when I decided, fuck it."

As of press time, Jesus was spotted in Santa Monica talking to homeless people in a park before being escorted off the premises by the police.