Hipster Tate Dunbag had a terrible date last night, making this the 15th one in a row and prompting him to ask the eternal question, "It's not me right? It's totally them."

Sources close to Tate interviewed  his latest "victim" to find out what went wrong. "I liked his beard," Samantha Adams said. "So I brought up camping to which he replied, "Never been, never want to." "Ohhhkay," continued Tammy. "To break up the awkward moment, I asked him what book he read last since he was wearing thick, black-framed glasses." "Oh," replied Tate. "Books are so last century."

"It was confusing," said Samantha. "In the 45 minutes I was with him, he didn't divulge one personal thing about himself. "Well, yeah I did," responded Tate. "It's easy if you use process of elimination. All you have to do is subtract everything I mocked." Added Samantha, "The guy's like a padded bra, he looks like he had so much more underneath."

Psychologist Adam Levy weighed in on the situation. "Teen angst is a common term for a period whereby the child responds favorably to reverse psychology. Meaning, he doesn't do things he likes, he does things that go against what you like. This usually wains by high school. In 25 year-old Tate's situation, he's in a state known as arrested development- a funny TV show, but a sad, meaningless way of living."

Overall, Tate surfaced from the date confident it was not his fault. "She didn't get me, plain and simple. In fact, the only thing she did get was that since I ride an eco-friendly mode of transportation [a bicycle], that I live at home with my parents and I'm broke."

Jesus, lord and savior, is reportedly being censored at every turn via the internet. "First I tried registering on Facebook, but someone had already taken my name. In fact, ten thousand." A facebook administrator responded, "We allow celebrities to register, but they need ID. And sending a low-resolution Vine of turning water into wine doesn't cut it."

Jesus continued, "Who's gonna follow Jesus_12344, a number which has no significance! So I begin sending messages to the people until I find out they're being sent to their 'other folder' which is a polite way of saying they have taken the word of the lord and rerouted it to spam. Oh, but I can pay to have the message delivered to their inbox. So I'm supposed to shell out money to invite people to a blissful after life?

So I get a reddit account. Within 12 minutes I was banned.

Then I make a video and post it to youtube and link it under another video, but get no replies. So I log out and check the video again. Guess why no responses? I'd been shadow banned. What!?"

Then I get on twitter. Talk about embarrassing. 2,000 years ago I had 12 followers. After five days using every hashtag imaginable, I was up to eight. EIGHT! Then I get an email saying I can get 100 thousand followers for $500. Are you freaking kidding me?!"

So I go to meetup.com to form a group. Guess what? I get an email saying my meet up was "not approved" with a list of their guidelines. So I reply asking specifically why, and I get a bounce back saying that my email was sent to an unrepliable address. That's when I decided, fuck it."

As of press time, Jesus was spotted in Santa Monica talking to homeless people in a park before being escorted off the premises by the police.

In what safety activists are calling "the gateway drug," swing sets, or "satan's playground" as it's being termed, are set to be stricken from all elementary and middle schools in the upcoming month. "It's high time we took a stand against encouraging the sort of risky behavior that, once kids get a taste of, they will be searching for the rest of their life. You think hookers started off sucking off middle schoolers? No, they started on the monkey bars and graduated to the highs of the swings, culminating a decade later with unprotected anal sex behind a dumpster.

"This is horse shit!" said Tommy Duncan, 4th grade class president, a sentiment echoed by dozens of other students. "You expect me to jump rope with the girls? While you're at it, why don't you just cut off my dick?" Said 8 year old Billy Thomas. "If I'm going to spend a lifetime of 8-4pm Monday through Friday bullshit the rest of my life, the least you could do is give me my goddamn high." Said 6 year old Andrew Baker, who prefers to wind up the swing and then spin until throwing up.

As of press time, parents of the children have glossed over the swing-set debate and instead want diving boards back in public pools. "We simply can't afford to give these worker bees a taste of the wild side." Said Secretary of Labor, Thomas Perez. "Who in their right mind would choose to return to back-breaking pointless labor when they discover there's a whole new side to life?" continued Perez, while smoking a cuban and guzzling scotch. "Out of site, out of mind is how we operate here. It worked to build the pyramids and it'll work to build our infrastructure." When asked how long the government could keep up the charade, Perez responded, "Hopefully, until we can build enough robots."

Rufus, a 4 year-old Golden Retriever, was chasing a Penn 1 tennis ball when he was struck with an epiphany. "The construct to which I have acclimated to and even tied my self esteem into is nothing more than a repetitive task that has as much impact on humanity as a sandcastle at high tide," Rufus said while licking his butt. 

“I wish I could back to a simpler time,” the 4 year-old said, “back eighteen months ago when I was a teenager. Back before my delusions of grandeur were shattered by the realization that no matter how much or how fast I performed my menial chore, I would never achieve the heights of recognition my efforts warranted." Rufus then spent the next five minutes angrily chasing his tail around in a circle.

Further confounding the his sense of accomplishment was that around others Mark, his owner, would take credit for his success. Added Rufus, “What a douche.” Continued the dog, "How many times must I achieve my goal only to have it ripped from my clutches?" This game, as it were, parallels life in both form and function." Rufus said before throwing up and then eating it.

The recent awareness is believed to be the result of Rufus getting taken off of anti-depressants. “It’s like the veil of control you perceived as having gets lifted to reveal that you’re nothing more than a dandelion spore in an upwind, drifting with neither direction nor purpose,” Rufus said while eating a piece of shit. “Stop it, stupid,” added Mark, before yanking him away from the feces. 

Shockwaves were sent through cyberspace Friday morning when, under the guise of a new bill entitled, Internet Children's Protection Act (ICPA), any and all porn is set to be stricken from the web in the upcoming month.                                                                    Said Atlanta Attorney, Roger Waverly, "I work 60 hours a week to pay a mortgage I can barely afford to support a wife I truly hate. Now you're telling me THAT is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life? Screw that!" This sentiment was echoed by the nation's single population as well. "Look," unemployed local man Jerry Pursay said, "Every day I'm on the internet fighting for our civil liberties, but I can only sign so many petitions before I have to take a break. I have come to realize all my fighting was for the breaks. 

Though turning 95% of the American population into debt slaves, eroding civil liberties, expanding surveillance and draining what's left of the economy through unnecessary wars, nothing has stirred the people to the point of actually doing something like the ICPA bill. Said historian Robert Aims, "There hasn't been so much outward cry and blind rage since the bombing of Pearl Harbor." Amidst this crisis of "epic proportions," there has been one positive effect. Apparently people are actually learning how to be a part of the democratic process. Said local boob, Jim Preston, "I found out who my congressman is, signed a petition and everything. Hell, I may even vote in the next election to replace him if he doesn't return porn."

While the bill will most likely be defeated before it hits the floor, government officials will most likely repackage the bill and try to get it passed as an anti cyber terrorism bill. "Well," said a Cincinatti local, "If it's for our nation's security, it might be for the best."

Coca Cola execs are scratching their heads today after a focus group showed cocaine users have lost the taste for their once beloved soft drink. Said Eddie Walls, part of the focus group, "Sugar is terrible for the body, not to mention super addictive. So I don't care how fun-loving their commercials are, I am not getting hooked on that white stuff." He then snorted a line and chased it with Heineken. 

"Your body is a temple," said Billy Baxter, another member of the focus group who's been up the last 48 hours on a cocaine binge. The last thing I'm going to do is fill that temple with high-fructose corn syrup. He then did a monster rail and passed out. 

While Coca Cola has taken steps to increase its addictiveness, including using food additives such as MSG in a form yet to be banned by the FDA, nothing seems to be improving sales with the demographic. "I don't get it," said marketing exec Milford Bradley. "We've taken all the calories out, lowered the price, even revamped the packaging. What more do these people want?" Replied coke-head Stevie Peppers, "Coke." 

In a surprise move, the US called for God, almighty being, to bring an end as ruler of the universe. In a statement, President Obama went on record saying, "It's time for a regime change. This is a dictator of the worst kind, he's been ruling since the beginning of time, has no free elections, and answers to no one. Meanwhile, I can't wear a chrome blue tie without having to explain myself." 


Concerns over God's tenure arose due to the recent number of people who have been killed under His watch. Hilary Clinton said, "God has lost the confidence of his people and he should go without further bloodshed and violence. The U.S. has always said that the future of the planet should be decided by its people, and they have made themselves clear. They do not want to die, ever." 

Clinton's statements come as the U.N. Security Council continued to debate a resolution and potential sanctions against God. Chine, which wields veto power, is reportedly still awaiting instructions from Beijing on how to vote, but whatever they decide America will likely follow, even if it means asking God to continue ruling."

We are moving quickly on a series of steps to hold our Lord and savior accountable for His violation of human rights and to mobilize a strong response from the inter nation community," Clinton said. Unfortunately, he does not have an email or physical address to send our letter to." 

The group, Doctors without Borders, issued its first report on medical facilities around the world on Saturday. After surveying over three million medical centers, the group said the facilities have, "managed to deal with the numbers of wounded people and medical needs. However, the hospitals have shortages of medical equipment, including dressings for wounds, sutures and anesthesia drugs," the group said. "And this, too, is God's fault." 

When asked who will lead when God steps down, America responded, "Gee, we never thought about that. I guess, I guess we will."